The Miracle Suit?

I have managed to get through many a summer without ever donning a swimsuit.  I'm fairly proud of the amount of poor unwitting souls I've spared by managing the feat of protecting them from the view of all this woman in a bathing suit.  But there are times in one's life when buying and actually wearing a swimsuit is required.  One is when you choose a vacation destination whose main pastime is sunbathing, swimming or snorkeling.

I've reached this point.  While I'm excited to be headed off to an exotic land where warmth and sunshine rain supreme, I'm somewhat less than excited (more like horrified) to have to appear in public in a swimsuit.  The good news is that we will be so far away from home that likely nobody there will know me.  The other good news is that most people who will see me will not speak English so when they gasp and utter a blessing to save their very soul, I can tell myself that they are saying that I look pretty darn hot in that new suit.

So I began my search.  Like all good full figured women, I started online.  I looked at a few swimsuit sites, rolled right past the string bikinis and discovered a new invention.  There it was in sparkling letters "The Miracle Suit."  Carried in only the finest stores, it promises to automatically make you look 10 pounds thinner.  This was good news since I now don't have to actually lose 10 pounds.  The only problem is I could probably stand to lose 50 pounds.  But, hope springs eternal and I ordered the suit.

Now some of you have heard the saying "trying to fit 10 pounds of jelly beans in a 5 pound bag."  The experience of trying on this suit was very close to that description.  I'll spare you the gory details other than to say, I twisted my body in positions to get that suit on that would make a yoga instructor jealous.  Success!  It "fit."  It made me look 10 pounds thinner (hey, its a start), it was a perfect color for me (purple) and I have high hopes that there will not be a mad rush to the first aid station from people fainting or feeling generally nauseous.

Would I say it's a miracle?  Well if it were up for sainthood because of its healing powers it wouldn't get enough votes, but it did do what it promised.  Now when my vacation comes I'll be ready to show myself in public without fear of causing pandemonium.  It's going to be a good vacation!